Forty Things I Learned Before Turning 40: Lesson One
I learnt that creating boundaries helps me to stay true to myself, allowing me to feel empowered in my relationship with myself and others. For so long I thought boundaries were about understanding your limits of how much of something or someone you could/would tolerate; and you knew if one was over-stepped when there was an explosion of emotions (and sometimes expletives). I always believed that there was nothing worse than saying ‘no’ to others, as I’d feel like I was disappointing and letting them down or fear I would miss opportunities for myself.
From Brené Brown I learnt that daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. Setting boundaries is about making it clear what’s ok, what’s not ok and why. This allows us to find a way to be generous to others while continuing to stay in our integrity.
As an educator I find this extremely important, especially when setting classroom and even school-wide expectations. I had a huge lightbulb moment when I was involved in the development of a school-wide positive behaviour strategy. So often we establish rules and expectations about what NOT to do, but rarely explain what we DO want to see. When we frame expectations in the former, such as ‘Don’t use bad language’, the action or behaviour we don’t want to see is at the forefront of people’s mind. If we re-frame in the latter, a positive way, such as ‘Use respectful and appropriate language towards others’, we are more likely to get what we WANT to see.
When you say no to others, you are saying yes to yourself. I’ve seen this gem of a quote countless times in a variety of mediums over the years and it couldn’t be more true. This is important in both our personal and professional lives. When you are constantly saying yes to others, be it at work or with family and friends, you begin to live a life that’s not true to you. Saying yes when you want to say no at work, can make you feel like you’re doing a job you don’t believe in, one that doesn’t align to your values. With relationships, it can mean sacrificing who you are as a person in order to fit in amongst those around you.
When we set boundaries it allows us to have more control over how people treat us and not allow others to get away with bad (which can lead to toxic) behaviour towards us. Michelle Obama said, “If we walk around pretending it doesn’t hurt, the perpetrator can say “I was just joking” — that changes the shape of a person’s soul.” When we have set clear boundaries with people, we are more able to call them out and make them accountable for their actions and how they impact us.
I’ve learnt that setting boundaries can initially be difficult (especially with our loved ones), but it gets easier to do the more you know who you are, and understand your own voice and power. I now see boundaries as a necessary part of being able to live a life courageously whilst still having compassion towards others.
