Forty Things I Learned Before Turning 40: Lesson Eight
I learnt that self-care is an important factor in your ability to thrive not just survive.
Poet and activist, Cleo Wade uses the word ‘practice’ to describe self-care, as it is something that “requires work and commitment, involving making healthy choices for our physical and emotional bodies. It requires us to lighten up, and stop being so damn hard on ourselves.” She says that self-care should be “designed by you, for you, to make it possible for peace, love and joy to thrive within you and around you. If self-love says ‘I love you,’ self-care says ‘prove it.’”
As a teacher and someone who has ‘service to others’ as a core value* in life, I often put the needs of others ahead of my own. I guess I saw this from an early age in the way that my parents and grandparents would sacrifice so much for us young ones to have the things we needed and wanted. They would go above and beyond to make sure that we felt loved, supported and taken care of and that’s something I have always aspired to do also.
The real epiphany that made me realise the importance of self-care was listening to coach, mental health advocate, head trainer and speaker Alexa Towersey, delivering a speech to students for the not for profit organisation, LIVIN. She illustrated the importance of self-care by explaining how the safety advice on all aircrafts is to fit your own oxygen mask first, before assisting any other passenger with theirs, as you can’t help others, if you haven’t helped yourself first. And that is the crux of self-care. You can’t give people any more than what you currently have. You need to look after yourself first and foremost, ensuring that you are operating at an optimal level, before assisting anyone else. Otherwise all you can offer others is a portion of your already empty tank, which isn’t helpful to you or them.
Social media often makes us believe that self-care is about treating ourselves from time to time, with a massage, soaking in the bathtub with a luxurious bath bomb and scented candle, an extra scoop of ice cream, piece of chocolate, glass of wine or a shopping spree. I have to admit, these things can improve our wellbeing, but self-care is more than just a list of activities to do when we are feeling run down. Self-care is about the practices you put in place that prove to yourself daily you are your number one priority.
For me, self-care is about setting boundaries with others and yourself, but most importantly sticking to them; knowing when to cut things loose if boundaries are repeatedly disrespected. It’s choosing yourself and saying no to others, which in doing so, is saying yes to yourself.
It’s also about keeping healthy habits and routine, when it comes to sleep, fitness and nutrition. It’s being kind to myself, forgiving myself for any short-falls and mistakes. It’s about practicing compassion towards myself. An easy way to remember this, is in situations, thinking to myself, ‘what advice would I be giving to a friend to support or encourage them in times like this?” and then giving myself permission to accept this for me.
* If you haven’t done Brene Brown’s Values Clarification exercise before, do yourself a favour. I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy, but it’s such a worthwhile activity to do that results in getting granular with WHO you are, what’s important to you, what you stand for and how to make brave and courageous decisions. For more info — check out her book, Dare to Lead and/or any of the online read-along resources on her website — https://daretolead.brenebrown.com/
