Forty Things I Learnt Before Turning 40: Lesson Twelve
I learnt that starting over isn’t so bad and in fact it is often a necessary part of life. Growing up in a small coastal town, I’d always fantasised about moving to a big city to start over, reinventing myself as someone new, different, better. Throwing away all the things I didn’t like about myself and building a brand new me. As I got older, I realised that that’s not exactly how life works. Starting over for me, has come in the form of moving to new cities and returning home; beginning new jobs and missing out on ones I wanted; building new relationships and also falling apart. I’ve learnt through these changes that a growth mindset and an astute knowledge of who you are and what you stand for is important in stepping into any new beginning.
When it comes to loss, one thing that I’ve been able to shift my mindset towards more effectively is the thought that something better is on its way. Glennon Doyle discusses in her book ‘Untamed’ that ‘If we are truly alive, we are constantly losing who we just were, what we just built, what we just believed, what we just knew to be true.’ Some may find that to be quite depressing, however, she goes on to say, ‘What I lose is always what is no longer true enough so that I can take full hold of what is.’ This is the sentiment that I have now adopted. When things fall apart and end, it’s for the reason that I am being prepared for something new, something more aligned with my purpose, passion and values. Starting over can at times be quiet daunting, but it’s an opportunity to take back the reigns that may have slipped from your hands either consciously or subconsciously.
Jack Antonoff spoke in ‘folklore: the long ponds session’ about the two choices we have when faced with starting over. He said, “In our dismantling of all our systems of life that we’ve known in the pandemic, we’re left with two options. Either cling to it and make it work or just say “Ok, I guess I’m gonna turn a new path and get a frontier mentality.” Everything’s a blur, so I’m just going to re-write it.”
In recent times, the covid-19 global pandemic has been the greatest experience for us all. It has forced us to suspend plans and re-assess our own new beginnings. However, starting over doesn’t necessarily have to be after some big dramatic life event. As Rumi writes in his poem ‘The Guest House,’ each new day is an opportunity to welcome something new, unexpected and exciting into our lives.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
In her memoir, More Myself: A Journey, Alicia Keys talks about learning to embrace the uncertainty of life and how for all of us, life is never still. There’s shifts all the time that allow us to grow.
“Nothing but uncertainty is certain. Circumstances come together, only to fall apart moments or months later. And then, in a flash, we must rise up again and regain our footing. In the rear-view mirror, I now see so clearly what escaped me then: It’s not that the ground underneath me was suddenly shifting; it’s that it is never still. That’s the part of the work of my journey — getting comfortable with life’s groundlessness.”
Taylor Swift, in ‘folklore: the long ponds session’ discusses embracing the uncertainty of life and how this can be a positive thing.
“There’s something about the complete and total uncertainty about life that causes endless anxiety, but there’s another part that causes a release of all the pressures that you used to feel. If we’re going to have to recalibrate everything, we should start with what we love the most first.”
I’ve learnt that in moments of destruction, keeping what I love at the forefront is most important when the process of construction begins. If you outgrow one space and you’re moving onto the next, it’s better to start with building those foundations back up with the things you love and believe in, which will give you a greater opportunity to grow into that new truth that is awaiting you.
