Forty Things I Learnt Before Turning 40: Lesson Fifteen
I learned that I want to be defined by the things I love. In life, there can be a lot of focus on the negative, things people dislike, hate even, that they are fearful of. It’s easy to get swept up in catastrophising even the smallest problem. There also appears to be a trend or habit people have, where they feed off of one another’s negativity; you see it with online trolling, where people rally together, grabbing their pitchforks, going on a witch hunt to bring someone down. It can also be seen in day-to-day conversation, where one person explains their bad day and the other feels the need to go one better and say how their day was even worse.
Growing up is tough, the desire to fit in, whether that’s at school, at a new job, within your family, we have a tendency to often act like chameleons, blending ourselves into particular groups in order to feel like we belong. One thing I’ve learnt over time is it’s better to just be me, unapologetically ME! People are going to either like or dislike you, no matter what ‘face’ you put on, or ‘persona’ you present. So it’s better to just be yourself and have them like you as you are, rather than putting on a ‘show’ as the person you think they want you to be and feeling exhausted trying to keep up the act. There’s definitely been times in the past, where I’ve had my secret indulgences or guilty pleasures, things I’ve loved, but never been too open about for fear of being criticised, thought of as lame. Busy Phillips says she doesn’t believe in guilty pleasures, “if you enjoy something, there’s nothing guilty about it.” So now I celebrate those things, especially my love for Taylor Swift. And as she so brilliantly said, during her 1989 tour, before singing her song ‘Clean,’ “You know what I think is better than being cool, is being happy.”
As New York Times best-selling author, Steve Bartlett says, “Honestly, “Fitting in” will make you miserable. Caring too much about “being one of the guys” or “one of the girls”, kills happiness & potential. Be your own uncool, weird ass self and whoever still wants to hang around with you then…keep them close and be weirdos together.” What I’ve come to realise however is, “If it makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to others.”
Which is why it’s really important to be true to ourselves and write our own story, that isn’t dictated by anyone else. And if you find your story has been influenced or shaped by others, you need to change it, tell your own truth. Brene Brown describes the importance of this perfectly when she says:
“When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness — the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness — that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging — lives inside of our story.”
Telling your story takes vulnerability, but brings about strength — individually and collectively; you never know how you are likely to inspire others by just being yourself. This is one thing that I have discovered as a teacher, and I am so honoured to be in a position that I can have such a positive influence on young people. By being ME, honest and truthful to who I am and my story, it allows others to feel the same confidence and comfortability to be them and own their unique story. As a Phys Ed teacher, I always felt like I had to hide my passion for the arts. I had the best time directing a musical and starting a Glee club at a previous school and I know that, as a Phys Ed teacher, taking a lead and nurturing role of the arts, that I had a positive impact on my students, showing them that you didn’t have to stick into the stereotypical boxes society often creates for us.
At the end of the day, I love how Taylor Swift finishes her song ‘Daylight,’ which closes her ‘Lover’ album, when she says:
I wanna be defined by the things that I love
Not the things I hate
Not the things that I’m afraid of, I’m afraid of
Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night
I, I just think that
You are what you love
