Forty Things I Learnt Before Turning 40: Lesson Eleven
I learnt to speak up.
Taylor Swift sings in her song ‘marjorie,’ “Never be so polite, you forget your power; Never wield such power, you forget to be polite.” I was raised to always respect my elders; that you caught more flies with honey than vinegar; and to always treat others the way you expect to be treated. So I would always try to be sweet and polite. However there are some people who unfortunately take advantage of this, seeing kindness as a weakness that they prey on. And so just like Ms Swift sings in ‘Look What You Made Me Do,’ “I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time.”
For a long time, I would stay silent, so as not to rock the boat. There would be those occasions where a small part of me would sense something wasn’t right, that feeling of awkwardness and that little voice inside your head that tells you something is wrong. This would occur in both personal and professional contexts in my life. I’d find myself in situations where I’d stay in silence with the majority, rather than speak up and be with the minority. I’d justify ignoring it, by convincing myself that it wasn’t so bad, that the other people were older and probably knew better, afraid I’d be pushed to the side for showing a different viewpoint. Over time, I realised that by not speaking up, it can encourage certain actions, behaviours or views just as much as if you were participating yourself.
Sara Bareilles sings in her song, Little Voice:
It’s everything I am and what I’m not
And all I’m trying to be
This is the part where I spit it all out
And you decide what you think of me
I’d rather be accepted for who I am and what I stand for, instead of someone I pretend to be amongst people whose values doesn’t align with my own. If people are willing to shoot you down for your beliefs and opinions that are opposite to yours, then they are not your people to begin with.
The times in my life, where I have felt lost or just not myself, I can look back and see that it’s when I’ve not been true or authentic to myself. I would find it hard to be that one lone voice in a sea of bigger and louder voices, so would shrink into a lesser version of myself. Sara Bareilles goes on to sing:
It’s just a little voice
And if you’re listening
Sometimes a little voice
Can say the biggest things
It’s just my little voice that I’ve been missing
It’s so true how you can feel invisible and not yourself when you feel your voice isn’t heard. I had the opportunity to work on a project with a university, where student voice was used to create a school wide wellbeing framework for action. It was inspiring to see these students, who ranged from 12–15 years of age, empowered to use their voice to create positive change for the entire school community. It’s not every day that students get a seat at the table where decisions are made that impact them and their learning. This project gave them that seat and more importantly, developed their skills and confidence on how to use their voice to make a difference. I found through my participation in the project, it enabled me to also find my voice and the confidence to use the power of it.
Michelle Obama speaks about the importance of persevering through invisibility in her Netflix documentary ‘Becoming.’ She says, “We can’t afford to wait for the world to be equal, to start feeling seen. We’re far from it. Time will not allow it. So you have got to find the tools within yourself to feel visible and to use your voice.”
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt from Brene Brown is the importance of leading with a strong back, soft front and a wild heart. In ‘Braving the Wilderness,’ she speaks about the need to know what you stand for (strong back) so that you can risk having a soft and open front (that’s capable of giving and accepting care, love and support) and daring to go into the wilderness and be unapologetically you (wild heart).
Taylor Swift, in her documentary ‘Miss Americana,’ explained the importance of speaking up, when she voiced her political views after staying silent for so long. She said “Next time there is any opportunity to change anything, you better know what you stand for and what you want to say.” She was cautioned by her team not to voice her political views and responded by saying, “Right now this is something that I know is right and I need to be on the right side of history.”
Today, I’m glad to say that I don’t stay silent when I see or hear something that I believe to be wrong. I choose to speak up, be brave and vulnerable, to say what is on my mind and give a voice to those who sometimes can’t (or find it difficult to) stand up for themselves. As Brene Brown says, “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.” If I’m to be a role model for my students, I need to practice what I preach and using my voice in both a powerful and polite way, is what I’ve learnt to do.
